How to divorce a narcissist?

Many people understandably seek guidance and advice around the time of going through a breakup or a nasty divorce. We know that the end of a significant relationship can be heartbreaking and throw many into  emotional, financial and even psychological chaos.

The situation can be worsened if are dealing with  a narcissistic ex-partner or spouse. It is  understandable if you feel exhausted, hurt or angry.

You may also feel angry or annoyed with yourself for not seeing the signs of narcissism and for even putting up with the relationship for so long.

Being married or in a relationship with a narcissist generally starts off well. You’re made to feel like the most important person on this earth. Narcissists will often shower you with gifts, they give you their undivided attention and appear to love you unconditionally.

It may be many months or even years before you see that something is wrong here. No matter how hard you try or no matter how much you change or do things the way your narcissistic partner wants them to be done, you’re still not good enough or doing enough.

Narcissists are people who have usually experienced abandonment in childhood. This excruciating pain of being neglected, rejected, ignored or even abused by their primary carer carries on in their adult relationships. We know that a narcissist’s biggest fear is being abandoned or left by a significant person, in this case you.

If you’ve decided to divorce a narcissist you need to know that the narcissist will not let you go easily. They may beg you and promise that they’ll change, and for a short time you may question yourself and your decision to divorce a narcissist. But once you go back, things escalate quickly and may even involve physical and sexual abuse.

The sad truth about narcissistic people, is that unless and until they are willing to take personal responsibility for their behaviour they will always project their pain onto others. Narcissists will make you wrong, they’ll make you feel guilty and blame you for everything that is wrong in their lives.

If you are ready to divorce a narcissist, it won’t necessarily be easy but in the long run it will be the best thing that you’ve done for yourself, your children and your future.

Below are some tips to help you divorce a narcissist:

1. There is no being ‘nice’ to a narcissist – if you’ve decided to divorce a narcissist, there really is no point in being nice or even communicating with them. If you have children, with a narcissistic ex-partner then you’ll need to find ways of parenting with this other person, which involve as little face-to-face or other communication with them. The idea of co-parenting may sound nice for other divorcing couples, but if you find yourself divorcing a narcissist this is often not possible.

2. Learn to establish clear and consistent boundaries – one of the reasons why narcissists continue to behave appallingly and abusively is because clear and consistent boundaries have not been established. They continue to behave as if nothing has changed even when you have decided to divorce a narcissist.

3. Create a beautiful life – one of the things narcissist struggle with the most, is seeing that you are managing beautifully and productively with your life. There is nothing that irritates or destabilises a narcissist grip on their former partners more than anything is   witnessing you living happy life. It is your responsibility to create this life for yourself and to heal and forgive whatever may have happened.

4. Forgive the narcissist – by forgiving the narcissist you set yourself free – the whole point of divorcing a narcissist is to set yourself free. The only way to do this is to heal yourself and find compassion to forgive this person. By forgiving, you are not agreeing or accepting or condoning the narcissist’s behaviour nor are you diminishing the pain and hurt that this person may have inflicted on you or your children and even your extended family.

5. Learn to let go – the narcissistic ex-spouse or partner will probably object to the divorce and he or she will want to be right and prove that they’re the innocent and hard done by person. When you choose to divorce a narcissist, you choose to let go and not get involved in the drama or conflict. Learning to let go means that  like a duck who gets water on its back you shake your feathers and continue swimming with elegance and grace.

If you want to know more about the benefits of a happy and healthy divorce, then email pamela@healthydivorce.com.au for more information.

Disclaimer: This article is not intended to replace any specific advice from a lawyer, counsellor or any other medical professional. The article is general information only.