Has a Narcissist Taken Over Your Life?
Every second day, I hear the upset and loss of decent people dealing with the aftermath of their decision to leave a narcissistic ex -spouse or partner. Having endured years of unhappiness, criticism and ‘walking on egg-shells’ during the relationship, they now confront the difficultly of negotiating with a narcissistic ex-partner.
Although you will feel relieved (even excited) that you have broken free from the relationship you may be finding yourself overwhelmed when communicating or negotiating with a narcissistic ex. We know that ongoing conflict with an ex can negatively impact your ability to parent children, concentrate on jobs or get the next promotion and affects mental and physical well-being and health.
Who is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who identified with or displays 5 out of these 9 traits according to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:
- Has a grandiose or elevated sense of self;
- Believe that they have special traits or qualities, which makes them superior to others
- Pre-occupied with success and power
- Excessive admiration of one-self (sees themselves as perfect who can do no wrong)
- Lack empathy for others
- Appear arrogant and conceited
- Domineering in personal and professional relationships
- Exploiting others for personal gain (focus is on what they can gain).
- Envious of others’ success
Staying Sane when negotiating with a narcissist!
One of the greatest challenges is the ability to stay sane and balanced whilst negotiating with a narcissistic ex-spouse or partner. This is why it is essential that you develop the emotional resilience, self-care and create strong boundaries to protect your physical, mental and spiritual well-being.
Below are some ways you can stay sane:
First and foremost, commit to YOU - this is NOT NEGOTIABLE. You have spent way too much time and energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it. This person will never appreciate, understand or agree that you have done everything you can to make things better or bring harmony to the situation.
Self-care means that you incorporate every day (no excuses) – some form of physical activity – it can be a 30-minute walk with your children, friend, on your own or with your bouncy pooch. We know and science has proven time and time again the benefits of exercise to keep us focused, clear-minded and stress free.
Stop engaging or communicating with someone who simply does not, will not, will never understand you or communicate in a co-operative or rational way – ongoing communication will simply drive you insane (and no one wants that!).
Stop accepting that everything your ex says is correct or the truth - this is a hard one for so many of us (especially where the relationship has been one of co-dependence) and where we have children or are financially dependent.
A classic example is where a domineering narcissistic ex-spouse insists that instead of getting an independent valuation on a property or business for the purposes of splitting your assets, they tell you what the value is according to their interests and then make you feel totally inadequate or even stupid for questioning this. The narcissistic ex-partner is relentless. They embark on a series of toxic email exchanges threatening, harassing and insinuating that if you don’t agree things will get so much worse for you!
Start healing – divorcing a narcissist is the perfect time to heal yourself. Start with your family of origin and look at what you learnt about relationships from your parents or care-givers. Find professionals who are experts in unravelling co-dependant relationships and find new ways to re build healthy and sustainable relationships.
If you want to know more about the benefits of a happy and healthy divorce, then email pamela@healthydivorce.com.au for more information.
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to replace any specific advice from a lawyer, counsellor or any other medical professional. The article is general information only.