Save your sanity this Christmas! 7 ways to use emails to your advantage!
Christmas time can be crazy at the best of times. The craziness seems to escalate even more when you have children and you’re trying to arrange Christmas and school holidays. You may even have an agreed plan or Court Orders but still things get heated and communication becomes difficult and confused!
Never under-estimate the confusion, distress and anger that a poorly or hastily written email can have on your ex-spouse or partner. If you need to negotiate or are sharing the care of children, then strategic and considered communication is the key to staying in control and keeping one step ahead of your ex.
Below are 6 best tips for effective email communication. You will learn how to write emails to your advantage and always come out in control of any difficult situation – the best time to start is now!
“To be an effective communicator you must be alert and conscious of how the communication will be heard by the other person”
1. Write a respectful greeting
There is nothing worse than receiving an email without a greeting or worse still not even seeing your name anywhere!
We’ve all received those email that start with “hey…” or “yesterday ….”
When we receive emails that are disrespectful or appear to ignore us, we naturally switch off. You’ve lost your reader even before you’ve started.
The best emails are those that start with “Hi John…or Hello Mary…”.
They are respectful and include your ex-partner’s proper name. You and your ex-partner are separated or divorced for a reason- so don’t use variations, versions or substitute names (unless you have the permission of your ex).
I recently read an email, that opened with “The Ex…” – understandably the person receiving the email was not impressed.
2. Don’t underestimate subject line
Don’t under-estimate subject lines in emails. Whenever possible keep them neutral and calm. There is nothing worse than reading a subject line which instils anxiety, dread or upset even before your ex has had a chance to read the contents of the email.
Here’s an example. Let’s say you and your ex are in heated argument about the children’s high-school. Your ex wants the local school and you believe that an independent school is best for the children- an ineffective subject line is:
– My school is better for the children or - The children are devastated -
A far more useful subject line is:
- Our school discussion or Our children’s school -
3. Keep it simple and short
The best emails are those that are factual. Write no more than a paragraph or two and make your email easy to read. Use bullet points or numbers to assist you. You’re not writing War and Peace!
Sending reams and reams of emotional, confusing or irrelevant content will switch your ex off and you simply won’t get your message across. Emails are not an avenue for downloading your frustration, anger or upset – if you’re struggling to get through your divorce or unable to cope with the after-effects of separation, then get some professional guidance – your ex will never fully understand or be able to help you.
Make your message short and clear and keep the guess-work out of it. Saying things like ‘you know what I mean ‘or ‘I guess you always get what you want’ or ‘you can figure this out’ is not useful or in your best interests.
A general rule is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t give your ex any room to argue or get frustrated with what they’re reading. It’s just not in your best interest.
4. Imagine your best friend is reading the email
When you sit down to write an email to your ex (or anyone really) – imagine your best friend looking over your shoulder reading every word you write.
Being an effective communicator means that you are conscious and alert as to how the reader will ‘hear’ and even respond to the email.
A great way to ‘test’ the effectiveness of your email is to ask these questions before you send the email:
1. How will my friend ‘hear’ or read this email?
2. What impression will the email leave on them?
3. Will they understand the meaning of my email, without needing to ask questions or seek further clarification?
4. Will they be upset, offended or confused when reading my email?
If you’ve asked these questions of yourself and genuinely believe that your email is neutral, non-emotional and easy to understand, then press send.
On the other hand, if you have doubts – then don’t.
Using emails or any communication to your advantage means that you think before you speak or send anything (in fact be even more careful what you put down on email – because you never know where it will end up!).
Sometimes leaving your email in draft for 24 hours is all you need to review it objectively and re-write it or not send it at all.
Use the motto below when you’re feeling unsure about whether to send an email:
‘When in doubt – don’t’
5. Be considerate and soft in your email tone
It’s not often that you will hear someone advise you to be considerate and soft when writing emails. But when it comes to writing emails to your ex – this empathetic strategy will help you deliver successful and effective emails every single time!
By being considerate and gentle you will keep the lines of communication open and minimise a negative response from your ex-partner. After all the whole point of this form of communication is to be one step ahead and diffuse any negativity or backlash from your ex – you never want to put yourself in a position where your ex feels that they hold the power.
Being considerate doesn’t mean making unreasonable or undesirable concessions or compromises. If you don’t want to agree to something and you have thought about it carefully and feel sure that what is being asked is not in your interests (this is different from being right or wrong) – then hold your ground or view.
Here is an example of a considerate and soft email.
Jerry and Jody have recently separated. Jody wants Jerry to move out of the home as soon as possible because she feels that the situation will escalate over Christmas. Jerry doesn’t agree, he feels that if he leaves the home, then he will lose his rights.
“Hi Jerry,
I’ve spent the last few days considering your view point. It has some merits. It seems like you’re worried that I’m going to change the locks and I’ll never let you back in again.
I just want to allay your concerns – that’s not my intention. We have separated now, and I just feel that it's best that we move forward and change our living arrangements.
Let’s sit on this for a few days- can we discuss next week again please? We can come up with options so we both feel protected and comfortable.
Please let me know.
Thanks,
Jody”
You will notice that the word ‘please’ is used frequently, and the tone is considerate and soft. You can also see that although Jody has validated Jerry’s feelings, she has not agreed to anything that she didn’t want. Jody is strategic and realistic, she knows it will take some time to re-assure Jerry that she doesn’t intend to ‘rip him’ off or ‘kick him out’ – she focuses on the future and moving forward for both of them
Finally, Jody calls Jerry to action and requests that the discussion is picked up again in the following week. Jody keeps her eye on the future and invites Jerry to do the same.
6. Think about the timing of your email
Using emails to your advantage, means that you choose when the email will be sent. Being successful at email communications, means that you consider the best times to send emails to your ex. For example, if you know that your ex is with the children, then don’t disturb this time with your email communication. Leave it until the children are back with you or at school.
Also sending emails on special days, such as birthdays or holidays or even weekends is not ideal. Most likely your ex isn’t checking their emails during this time and you’ll be anxious and uneasy waiting for the reply.
Business and daylight hours are usually the best time to send emails. During these hours you are occupied with your work or home or children or other activities and you’re not distracted waiting for a response.
7. Summarise agreements as soon as possible
One of the pitfalls of negotiating with your ex, without a 3rdperson present or through a 3rdperson such as a family lawyer or mediator – is that it’s very easy to ‘mis-understand’ or ‘mis-interpret’ what the other person has said or agreed to.
Too often, each person will be too busy listening to their own view point instead of really understanding what the other person has said or intended or wanted.
Always confirm the agreement by asking the question- ‘am I correct in understanding that ….’
By confirming the agreement with the other person, you will find yourself on the same page and eliminate the painful and circular back and forth that occurs when people genuinely misunderstand or have never taken the time to listen and understand the other person.
By implementing these 7 strategies, in time your communication will improve, you’ll stay in control of difficult conversations and you’ll be leading the communication.
Be mindful when emailing an ex-partner, it’s the little things in your communication that make the greatest difference to the outcome of your negotiation or future communication.
If you want to know more about the benefits of a happy and healthy divorce, then email pamela@healthydivorce.com.au for more information.
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to replace any specific advice from a lawyer, counsellor or any other medical professional. The article is general information only.